Decades
Today is my 10th "wound partner" wedding anniversary, and I’m not happy about it. It has been a decade of destruction, lost dreams and some very hard revelations about myself in particular.
I would be lying if I said that I’m not harboring a lot of anger, frustration and absolute regret of making the choices I did 10 years ago. I’m human and while I know from an intellectual standpoint that hanging on to all of this dark energy is not good for me - sometimes…SOMETIMES it just feels good to honor it and struggle with it. I struggle with it because there never seems to be any closure. No one to hear me, or acknowledge that they hurt me. They hurt me and they betrayed me and they DO. NOT. CARE. I can’t fathom ever being that way to anyone - even my worst enemy. Just to close yourself off and shut down any sort of conversation that has to do with owning one’s behavior and actions and feeling remorseful over what they have done and/or destroyed. I just can’t even process that in my mind.
As I woke up this morning some of my first thoughts were about “decades”. The decades of my life spent in useless old stories and the decline of my ability to dream and go after them. The decades spent worrying obsessively about what others thought of me and making those beliefs part of my own. I thought about the decades I’ve spent trying to help others be their best. Trying to turn them into something they were not and beyond that - I think I lived in a world of denial and “possibility” with them (and myself) because at the core was nothing but “potential”. I suppose it’s good to have that skill - to “see” the potential in things and people, but ultimately that’s all it is unless THEY are the ones to take the action to make it manifest. Hard, hard lesson right there.
One more decade from today (10/11/31) I’ll be 66. 66 years wise. 66 years old. 66 years of experience and I wonder what my life will be like at 66. Will I still be treading water to keep my head “just above the deep”, or will I have put my doubts and old worn out stories on the shelf of “been there/done that” and moved on into my own. Moved into myself and the words of “growth, grit and your never too old” will be what resonates through my head and I’ll have stopped comparing myself to others and will just “be”… Be “me” and comfortable. Joyful in my own skin and trusting myself FULLY to provide everything I need and beyond. Parts of me feel like it’s even silly to question my ability on this - the other parts of me - those “broken and helpless little girl” stories, well she is not so sure. She is anxious, hyper vigilant and looking for her “rescue” to come. The thing is, at 56, I’m old enough to know that it’s just me. Maybe I don’t need to be rescued, maybe I just need start putting all that energy of “potential” into myself for once.